Dear Stephenie Meyer
by otherrealmwriter
Summary: A series of letters written by the Twilight charachters about how they really feel about the books. Written as a satire, so please no flames.
1. Bella's Letter

**I do not own Twilight okay? Before any of you flame me for this, I am Twilight neutral. It's okay alright? Not something I would read every day but its okay. I figured this would be a funny satire-like thing to do on the character's personalities and how they **_**really**_** feel on how Meyer wrote them. Now for you Nazi fangirls, if you don't like my perception of them, say so nicely like "I don't think Bella would say that…" Blah blah blah. I would like reviews I can understand thank you. It is a shame I have to even write that! Anyway, enough with this A/N, on with the Dear Stephenie Meyer fic!**

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

You may know me already, mainly because your best selling book is about me. Who knew a plain Jane from a small town in Washington would be the inspiration of such a famous book series! I read them and I have a few things to say about it. Now, I know not all letters you get are praise, but as to be fair to you, I'll let you know what I did like and what I didn't.

Now the romance you wrote between me and my darling Edward is sweet. I liked it. What girl wouldn't? But as I look around online, I see some rather nasty things. I see people calling me a "Mary-Sue" and a creation of your unfulfilled desires. I mean in every book, I beg Edward to make me a vampire. It does get rather tiresome. I also read in the books, any time something of great distress happens, like when I was in Italy that time and as the Volteri was feeding and I passed out as they began. I can see why many people call this novel of yours bad and so much like a fanfiction and sub par. I am rather disgusted with how you portrayed me. I am so flat and I rely too much on men. I mean in New Moon, I practically use Jacob as a crutch while I come up with some insane plan to bring Edward back. Then when he does, I leave Jacob aside. What kind of girl does that to a childhood friend? I was always thought that would be rather mean when it came to using friends. I actually thought that in your story with me, you made me look bad and shallow. I don't like hurting friends at all. I find it to be rather shameful! Why would you have me tear out Jacob's heart and stomp on it like that!

Also, I would like to say that I do find the wedding between me and Edward sweet. I mean your goal is a romance story and by god, you at least wrote that. You were also nice enough to show the readers some of the pleasure of mine and Edward's honeymoon but, doesn't the sex seem a little, abusive to you? I mean if Edward is moving so fast that he is destroying the bed then, why did I only end up bruised and pregnant? Would that not do more damage to me then? Some people I noticed complained about the fact that Edward is technically dead by the medical definition so how could I end up pregnant? It's your story so I won't go on it too much; I love my daughter too much to. I just like to leave it as a little miracle and look at it like that.

Oh, speaking of Nessie, I have a few things to say there too, one mother to another. How I gave birth to her sounded rather…ummm…gruesome. Edward using his teeth for a C-Section? My father-in-law Carlisle could have done it like normal and Edward could have just bit me as it was happening so I would survive the trauma? Seems like that would be a little more proper as to Edward I guess putting the venom in me as he delivered the baby. Oh and another thing; couldn't you wait until she was fully grown before Jacob imprints on her? I know her growth is accelerated but I do not like the idea of Jacob being seen as a pedophile that can't get over me or accept I don't feel the same about him as he does me! I do not like knowing you used my daughter to fill Jacob's heart so he would have a little bit of Bella! No offence to you, but that sounds awfully creepy. I do not appreciate you using my daughter like that! How would you like it if one of your daughters married an ex-boyfriend only because he wanted a little bit of you? Doesn't sit too well with me, I don't know about you though.

Well, all in all I would say that you could use some work on your stories. They're getting there but I would mainly work on characterization and maybe I wouldn't be so annoyed with how you wrote me.

Sincerely,

Bella Cullen (formerly Swan)


	2. Jacob's Letter

**I do not own Twilight okay? See chapter 1 for my mini rant on nazi-fangirls who are too stupid to know what satire is. If you can't take a joke about it, you are not a true fan. Thanks to all who read, reviewed and faved and alerted the story so far. Anyway, enough with minirants I shouldn't need to be writing, on with chapter 2 of Dear Stephenie Meyer!**

Dear Ms. Meyer,

What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? Upon Bella's recommendation (and so you know, we still talk even though she married that leech instead of me and even became one) I read your book. I will say that the story is okay. I mean not one of the best out there and defiantly not one that both guys and girls can read. I can see why she would like it more than I would. And I do not mean you wrote a story about her and that fucking man she loves more than me. Oh no, my anger lies deeper than the fact you did not write me with Bella. Oh no, that'd be too shallow.

I hate how you wrote me as nothing more than the best friend to cry to and use in an insane plot to get the guy back. Is that all I am worth to Bella? Is childhood memories of summers spend together nothing to you? Are a best friend's feelings nothing when it comes to getting Bella back together with Edward? I guess not. I mean, I was only there for Bella when she needed me the most, when that no good leech dumped her because he had some strange idea she'd be better off. Now I don't know where you got it, and even though I talked to Bella about it, (I absolutely refuse to talk to Edward, that leech) she still does not know what it was about truly. All I know is a man Bella really would have deserved wouldn't have done that and wouldn't do anything Edward did to her. All I know is if Bella and I were to have been married, I at least would have controlled myself enough not to be so abusive to her. Don't you have an abusive faddish Ms. Meyer?

You may still be wondering what it is in your story that is making me so angry. Well let me give you a little background info so you know. I don't know if you did when you first wrote this "romantic tale", if you want to call it that, there is a show on TV called "To Catch a Predator" about men who go to young girl's houses that they met over the internet with that guy from "Dateline" hosting it. Now I bet you don't know there are people saying that **I should be on it.**That's right. People are calling me, Jacob Black, son of Billy Black, a chief elder in my tribe a pedophile. Yep. I am being called a pedophile. Now why am I being called such a thing you may wonder, well Ms. Meyer, I have a reasonable answer to that if you will hear me out. Here it comes; you had best be sitting down because I have a lot of fury to unleash here.

As you know, we werewolves imprint on our soul mate, our one true love that we will spend the rest of our lives with. Now, who did I imprint on? One Miss Renesme Cullen! Okay, I know she is the daughter of that leech and Bella but WHY? Why did you have me as so sore on losing Bella that I end up making her daughter my soul mate? What adds the pedophile icing to this cake is the fact I imprint on her when she is still a baby. I know she has accelerated growth and will be full grown in about 7 year or so but you couldn't have waited until she was fully grown. I know she can telepathically communicate with those she loves but come on! Are you sure 'loved ones' means 'ones you want to fuck'? I think it means 'ones you care deeply and plutonic.' I don't know if you know but there is a difference. I will have you know, I could have had almost any girl in Forks. I am an exotic kind of guy. I am a Native American and a werewolf, come on, who wouldn't want that! I can't understand why I fall in love with a baby when she says something that is completely plutonic sounding! It does sound like I will be seeing that guy from Dateline here soon and he will be saying something like, "Jacob, how about you have a seat over there." I know you did not _intend_ for me to sound like some sort of pedophile but it came out badly like that. You couldn't have had the imprint thing set when I don't know…maybe when Nessie was all grown up.

I also hate how it feels like Nessie is a replacement for Bella when she is biologically half Bella. Come on. I have said before in this letter that I could have had almost any girl I wanted and I settle on Nessie. Ms. Meyer please, work on romantic stories and making the poor rejected souls move on PROPERLY.

I will end on a happy note for your sake though. You did a decent job on writing werewolves. I think you should stick with that, because I heard from Bella that Edward is a little annoyed about how you wrote the Cullens. Then again, I will let them say that.

Sincerely, (only because it is polite to say that),

Jacob Black


	3. Edward's Letter

**I don't own Twilight okay? Thanks to all who reviewed and even read this fic. I'm glad to see some people out there who know what a spoof is. I would like to say however, if you are not leaving me a legit review either complementing or commenting on the story itself and you are leaving spam, don't. I hate getting anonymous spam by this Mat character or whoever is using people's names who reviewed nicely on him. Just because I am on the Fireplace Alliance forum a lot and I know and talk to someone who flamed you, doesn't mean you go spamflaming people! I will turn off anonymous reviews if this keeps up! Okay, spam rant aside, on with Edward's letter of my Dear Stephenie Meyer series!**

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

I read your book and I have a few things to say about it. Who am I? You ask of me? Well I am Edward Cullen, Bella's husband. And yes, I have a couple of things to say here. Bella begged me not to be too rough on you in this letter, and I guess I won't. I can understand her few objections, I mean the book is about her for one and two, she likes attention. I can hardly go hunting alone anymore now that Bella transformed. But, I read the books and I have to say a few things here. I don't know how nice I can be with this, but I will give you a report on what I like and what I do not like of it. I guess it is only fair that I do so we, and by we I mean Bella and I, don't get into a fight. Despite what she doesn't like of your story, she does like the fact you made her the main character. She is really touched by that. So well, here goes, I guess I will start with what I like.

Your romance between Bella and I was sweet. I will give you that. Despite all her flaws, Bella is a wonderful wife and mother. I am proud to make her mine. I love Bella with all my heart and I cannot imagine life without her. I mean I risked exposing myself as a vampire with my super speed to save her from Tyler's van when we were in Forks High School together. I took her to the prom, one of a girl's dreams and I was glad I could have been the one there for Bella. Also, in giving into her desire to become a vampire like me, and the engagement was sweet. I also love how you had the Cullens be one big adoptive family. That was rather sweet. I do love our romance in it, but that is about it. How you go about my courtship of Bella, well let's just say that most people would have taken out a restraining order on that.

I read how you have me sitting outside Bella's house when she was asleep. That sounds awfully a lot like a Peeping Tom. I do not like being compared to the local neighborhood perverts that end up getting chased off with a waffle ball bat. Bella does not deserve anything like that. She does not. I do not know of any girl who would like to have a man staring at her while she sleeps. I asked Alice if she'd like that and she said if she caught Jasper looking at her like you had me looking at Bella, she'd smack him. Her mate even! I think that would say something their. Your idea of romance there is a little off…

Another thing I have to say is in the second book in the series, New Moon, I end up leaving Bella for her safety and hiding all mementos of me under her floorboard. Okay seriously, you think Bella should be the one to decide if she would get rid of the pictures and CD of my, if I may toot my own horn here, fantastic piano playing? Maybe it would have helped Bella cope better and she wouldn't be trying to nearly kill herself every time I turned around huh? You ever think about that huh? Maybe if I left some of me there, she'd get over it better. And if I dump her, why am I emoing so much and trying to kill myself? If Bella and I were meant to be, personally I would not have left her in such a state. I suggest if you want to write romance better, you read something besides fanfictions online.

Also, what about in the last book in your series, Breaking Dawn(Nice keeping it within theme but the whole series had little to do with the story. Ask J.K. Rowling or Steven Crane about titling books) The wedding is sweet but our honeymoon is something of concern. I move so fast in Bella that I bruise her and tear up the bed. Isn't that a little too much or did you actually think what guys in sports bars claim is true? That turns girls off you know. Also, using my teeth to deliver my daughter? Isn't that a little unsanitary? I mean I brush but I wouldn't want to use them to have a risky operation done to my lovely wife. Bella was right; we should have had my father do it while I bit her. God, sometimes I think you have a sick imagination.

Oooooohhhhh…. Now I remember the stuff I have seen about me online. Some people call me a Gary-Stu, which I gather is the male version of the Mary-Sue. But seriously what gets me is the sparkle. What the hell? I am a vampire. Last time I read the book Dracula, (I suggest you read it) vampires did not sparkle. I do not mind the prey on animals instead of humans, but could you not call it vegetarian? I do not suck carrots dry like some sort of Bunnicula. (I suggest you read that too if you want true vegetarian vampires.) But, I have seen some of the most awful stuff about me online. I don't know who has it worse, Jacob or me. I mean I am called things like "abusive" and "stalker" and "controlling" but he is called a "pedophile". Anyway, I see why they call me those awful names after reading that book of yours. I am sorry, but it's true.

All in all I would suggest that you would have had more practice before you went pro. I have read better stuff from Jasper when he was around blood. I am sorry, but you need practice.

Sincerely, (with much aggravation)

Edward Cullen.


	4. Alice's Letter

**I do not own Twilight okay? I would like to thank once again, all who read, reviewed, alerted and faved this story so far. I am so happy to see people liking my works. I will maybe do Carlisle next and maybe end it there. I did the main 3 characters and maybe I might do a few of the more minor of the main characters but that will be it. I don't intend too many chapters for this little fun ficlet idea I had. I will update as soon as possible though. Anyway, I figured I'd do Alice now. I like her but as you will see, there are some things which need working on. Anyway, enough with this A/N, on with the fic!**

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

Hi! You may know me as Alice Cullen from your book series Twilight. Now as a beginning author, I say you are doing a good job. I mean it is not the best book that the world has ever seen. I have seen a few pretty good ones. Anyway, I figured I would writ to you and let you know what I think. I find it only fair to tell you what I think and how you can improve. I feel you have got potential as a writer but you need to know where to work so you don't end up writing something that can come across and end up being totally wrong sounding. (Poor Jacob). I guess I will help you with that. I read you had no formal training before your series and I do not really know if this is true or not but I figure, what the hey! Let's let you know what is good, bad and average with your story. Here goes (and hopefully I am a little nicer than Edward was in his letter. He was angry when he wrote it…)

Let's start with what I did like in the books. You see unlike some of my brothers, I did actually like a lot of this book. Well being girls, I guess you would know how to reach women better than men. It takes some serious skill to have a romance based novel come out to be appealing to a lot of men. I find that you giving me a mate in Jasper is well pretty cool. He kind of strikes me as a handsome out of control type I am trying to tame into a vegetarian vampire like me. To think I could possibly have a hand in molding him is good. I also like Bella a lot. She is such a good friend and a wonderful sister in law. I love her more than anything in the world. (Well, except for Jasper anyway). Also, I get to drive a "borrowed" yellow Porsche in Italy. Almost everyone I know would kill for that chance. Sometimes I like to think I got the better end of the stick than Bella sometimes. But hey, Bella gets my brother Edward and a nice family and I go on a mission to find other children like my darling sweet niece Renesme. (Although I like what Jacob calls her. Nessie, it's a cute name).

I would also like to add that I come off as a good sister (even though none of us are blood related) and I come off as a good friend and almost like a sister to Bella. I also like the special power you gave me. I mean who wouldn't want to know what is going to happen in the future so they can plan accordingly? I know I hated when I was human heading out and it looked nice and it rains while I am in town. Does get rather annoying as The Weather Channel was not around when I first became a vampire so it did help a lot. However I did hate all the trouble it caused Edward in New Moon. Yes, I know you can't make me all knowing but saying Charlie is at the funeral… wasn't the best thing to say to him in that condition. Also, don't you think I am a little too pushy on Bella at times? I mean every party of the Cullen's she's at; I dress her up in something and make it larger than life. Yes that is good that the parties are something memorable, but I seem a little too hyper at times. A little too excitable at times. (Maybe you should lay off the caffeine and/or sugar when you write me eh?) I seem like I am on a constant sugar rush in the way I act at times. I mean, sure I like my family and I have noble intentions when it comes to the end of your series but come on, sometimes I do think if I had not acted so hyper, things may have been a little different. I don't know, you are the author Stephenie. I surely did not write your story.

So, to sum up this letter for you Steph, here goes. I'd say I like how you wrote me a lot, except for the fact I get a little too hyper at times I think for my own good. Then again, it could just be me. Anyway, it was a cute series but a few things I didn't like reading was addressed by Bella and Edward in their letters so I won't discuss it here. You got it twice so no need to bring it up a third time. Anyway, better luck on your future books!

Sincerely,

Alice Cullen


	5. Renesmee's Letter

**I do not own Twilight okay? I know I did not update this for a while, but I got this idea suddenly and I figured I would write a new ****Dear Stephenie Meyer**** letter. I figured I would do this one on Renesmee. Bear in mind, this is meant as a satire of the series, so if you want to leave a negative review, do so nicely. Anyway, enough of this A/N, on with the fic!**

Dear Mrs. Meyer,

Hi! I don't know if you know, but I am a one Miss Renesmee Carlisle Cullen. Well, I guess you would know, seeing as you wrote the book series about my family and me. I know from reading a little bit about you after I read your series that the Twilight series is one of your first published works. It certainly is an interesting read, if nothing else. Mom and Dad told me some of how they met and got together, but this book series of yours is something I can use to bring up awkward memories from their past. I am sure you wouldn't want your children knowing about your awkward teenage years. He he he he... Well, I am getting off topic here; I am sure you don't want to know about how mischievous I can be. Anyway, the purpose of this letter is to tell you what I like and don't about your books.

I like the series all and all. It isn't too bad. I read better out there, but it is okay. I'd say my parent's courtship is rather cute. I know I don't show up until Breaking Dawn so I don't have as much to go off of as a lot of the other people in your series. I do say however, my conception is rather thrown in there. It seemed like you wanted something more than just a wedding and pushed it all into Breaking Dawn. Now, I have seen fanfictions online and I do honestly believe that you could have let the wedding and honeymoon and all that to the fans. I have seen some decent authors out there would do a wonderful job with answering a lot of questions you could leave the fans with.

When Mom was pregnant with me, I was developing so fast, I was nearly killing her. I don't like that, it seems like all you did with the book's drama was with Mom's pregnancy. I am glad however; you had Dad change his mind about aborting me. I just also don't like how he delivered me. Using his teeth, GROSS! I know Dad brushes but still, that is gross. If only a normal, C-section was preformed… It seems like you sacrificed Twilight's integrity to have the full story of my birth and how the Voutri feel about children like me. Honestly, I like how J.K. Rowling did the epilogue and introduction of children in her Harry Potter series. Yes, she could have made an eighth book, but she wrapped it up happily in one chapter. Sorry to say, but I think Breaking Dawn could have been done like that. It would have saved a lot of trouble caused around me and more importantly, the relationship I have with Jacob Black.

After I was born, Jacob sees me and I say with my power to communicate telepathically with loved ones. Now, Mrs. Meyer, I looked up loved ones in the thesaurus and it came up with "family" "nearest and dearest" and "relatives." Yes, I know not every imprint is one girlfriend but it is not really all that appropriate I think to imprint on a baby! I was only a baby and suddenly, Jacob Black, a man who is 17 years older than me, imprints on me as his soul mate before I am old enough to walk and talk. Now if you read that sentence you will see how weird it sounds. Most of the time when people arrange things like that, as if with royals and such, they wait until the child can understand. Also, I do not like the thought of me being Jacob's replacement for Mom. I really don't feel comfortable being with a man that much older than me being my soul mate and determined for me when I was so young. It seems rather...creepy.

I see a lot of things online calling poor Jacob a pedophile because of how you wrote our relationship. I know love knows no age and many couples have greater age differences than Jacob and I but I feel bad that he is called a pedophile because of it. I honestly think you should have waited. I like Jacob and he is a great guy. I hardly can stand it when people call him names like that because of how you ended the story. It seems like all you wanted was Jacob to have a piece of Mom he could love. That doesn't make me feel very good about myself honestly. It seems like you have Jacob see me as Bella Cullen not Renesmee Cullen. Now I don't know about you but that isn't very soulmatey if you catch my drift. I do not like being mistaken for my mother.

All in all, I don't like the romance you put me in, but the story before it is cute.

Sincerely,

Renesmee Cullen


End file.
